Part Two in An Occasional Series: On Changes

Big changes are coming into my life this fall--changes not limited to getting married, believe it or not! I feel at a bit of a crossroads in my life.

Luckily not this crossroads.

After a three-year break I am about to start working on my bachelor’s degree again. The biggest problem I am facing, surprisingly enough, is figuring out what to major in.

Shockingly, not this. OK, maybe a little this.

I was a general studies major when I first started, because I had no clue what to do. Like many students I had several subjects I liked a lot, such as sociology and English, and struggled to reconcile career options, the money and time I would have to spend, and the enjoyment of the subject matter.

And how to avoid this sh*t.

When I hit upon visual communications design I felt like everything had fallen into place for me, and I became at art major. I have come to terms with the fact that in a Venn diagram of my career opportunities, “Things I Actually Enjoy/Am Skilled At” and “Things That Pay Well” do not intersect, but graphic design seemed about as close as I could get. However, I had the unfortunate experience of having a perfect storm of everything falling apart on me.

This, so much this.

Right before I quit I had decided to change to a fine arts major. I wanted to be an art professor. In fact, I still (think I) have those career aspirations. 

Oh, to spend this rest of my life saying this!

But is it viable? (Keeping in mind that none of my career options will be excessively viable.) And more importantly, can I deal with the pressure of art school and a career in art? As I get older and have to react to circumstances in a different way it seems like I’m always grappling directly with another layer of trauma, or finding a new layer to anxiety or depression or a similar issue that must be dealt with before I can deal with everyday life, and thus this is a very real concern for me now. One of the reasons I quit school, unfortunately, was lack of confidence in my own work and ability. But I don’t want to be in this situation for the rest of my life; I want to move forward. Importantly, as well, and I will say this over and over again to anyone who will listen, the more you give in to anxiety, the worse it will get.

Refer to Fig. 3.

But what do I want to do? (I have other ideas too.) And better yet, can I successfully manage to do it without having another breakdown? I can’t believe I’m 26 and still having these thoughts—and yet I can. Seriously, 50-year-olds have these thoughts. Most adults are not necessarily better at adulting than I. Until then I will at least try to avoid panic attacks and comfort myself with this: